Why I woke up this morning feeling deflated of life, you’ll never understand. It’s like when you wake up from a nightmare and you feel the sense of relief. Relief that the nightmare is over and you can start your day. I feel like everyday I’m waking up into a nightmare.
As the day goes by, and the sun rises, there is no happiness, instead I feel the heat pressed up against my skin and I can feel myself burning into ashes.
You walking away from me isn’t what hurt the most. It’s the fact that I gave you everything… and how you slowly and carelessly destroyed it.
Growing up in a crowd full of strangers where I don’t speak they’re language and I can’t communicate, it seemed as though I was the stranger. The odd one out.
I was scared when they punched, sad when they pushed and terrified when they kicked, but the worst feeling came later when I was by myself, and all I felt was loneliness and rejection. I didn’t belong. I didn’t fit in.
It’s late at night and I’m sitting here alone waiting, waiting for you to respond, text me back, but I know you won’t. You won’t because you mean much more to me than I do to you.
These emotions are from someone who’s been hurt so much; I can finally say, “I’m used to it”. It’s almost like a war where you either win or die trying but I know the chances of winning are impossible. I don’t know what hurts the most… Saying something and wishing you hadn’t, or saying nothing and wishing you had. Being brought up thinking that the worst thing in life is ending up alone to find out that it’s ending up with people who make you feel alone. This numb feeling comes from waking up to black and white, walking outside and feeling no wind and eating a meal that tastes of nothing. Being alone in a crowded room feels like there is no hope left.
Everything I do each day feels like I’m just going through the motions. Feels like I’m waiting for something to come, something to rescue me.
If only you knew how it felt. How it felt to be alive but not be able to live.
I’m tired of being disappointed, so I’m just going to accept that there is no dawn of something good. I’m not looking for sympathy, just for acceptance as I’m trapped in a world that judges me at every turn.
Some people are just not meant to be in this world. I feel like I’m one of them.
I wish I never woke up in the first place.
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